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Saturday, September 24, 2005

Lynchburg Virginia’s Technorati Top Ten



We see the world little different here in Lynchburg, and when we read Technorati’s Top Ten, I don’t think we see it quite the same as you. Here is our Lynchburg Technorati Top Ten:


1. Rita: A southern lady that is trying to out do her sibling twin Katrina. Some say she is like a whirl wind with her flying red hair. If you meet a vixen like Rita in Lynchburg, just don’t let her in. Nail the windows shut and lock your doors. Southern ladies like Rita her are worse than the three wolfs that blew the house down.

2. Hurricane Rita: Rita with a true southern attitude. You have heard of us Red Necks, but you haven’t seen nothing until you see Rita turn red. She has been known to pick you up and toss you around. No matter how macho you might think you are, you are no match for Hurricane Rita when she has an attitude.

3. Breaking Benjamin: Contrary to popular rumors Benjamin is not broke. It is doing fine in Bedford. Any attempt to break Benjamin would ire the twin sisters Katrina and Rita, if you don’t know Rita and Katrinia, feel yourself lucky. They will pull your lower lip over your face, and twist you up tighter than a sprung alarm clock. Do you hear those alarm bells yet?

4. Bush drinking: There is a rumor around our parts, that if you are going to take on Rita or Katrinia, you better have a strong drink. In Lynchburg, if you go to a bar and find yourself between Rita and Katrinia drink up. You are going to have to get numb stupid to take on these two ladies. One army guy in New Orlean's called a reporter stuck on stupid, numb stupid is the proper term here when you mess with Rita, or Katrinia, or even White Lightening.

5. Path of Ivan: Like all paths when you run into a fork in the path, pick up the fork. Yogi Bera has the other forks he needs one more to complete the set. In Lynchburg, there is a path to the lynching tree, that is one path we would like to take Ivan down.

6. Filipina: We don’t talk about this in Lynchburg. We have heard this has something to do with switching sexes, or something about an island kingdom where there was a lady who collected shoes. We like our ladies barefoot and pregnant, something you can’t do with a lot of shoes around or men that switched sex.

7. Hunter S. Thompson: In Lynchburg, Hunter Green is a popular remodeling color, on the other hand, if we read gonzo journalistic adventures we keep that well hidden. "When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro," not a quote well known here. We do loath Las Vegas, just to be on the safe side, we wouldn’t want Rita and Katrinia to know we gambled away our Sunday donation, that’s where the fear comes in.

8. Kate Moss: Around Lynchburg, moss is found on the other side of the tree. We keep looking for our Kate Moss just on the other side of the tree, but she is never there. We got beauties like her in Lynchburg, but we don’t mess with them. Like Rita and Katrinia, they are red headed fireballs that will knock you out of your socks and off your feet.

9. Able Danger: This is a dare. There is a railroad road bridge that crosses the James near here. If you think you are able to face the danger of crossing the bridge, we will send your remains to your mail order bride.

10. Lost: You are never lost in Lynchburg. If you try to leave you will end up right back here. We have heard of Yankees that ended up here. We tell them they are lost, and give them directions north, but they keep coming back too.

11. Hotmail: This one slipped off the top ten, but we liked it anyway. Hotmail usually comes from mail order brides. In Lynchburg when we are not looking for Kate Moss around the tree, we read our hotmail. Sometimes we send the hotmail to Hawaii, because we hear they love spam.

5 Comments:

At 9:01 AM, Anonymous Looking at you said...

I really enjoy when you do this, great writing.

 
At 9:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hilarious.

 
At 10:30 AM, Blogger B O B said...

Thank you for your comments. We really don't write well down here in Lynchburg, I am a lefty that holds the pen almost backwards.

 
At 12:47 PM, Anonymous D L Ennis said...

I beg to differ with you, Bob…You are an excellent writer and I am also impressed with how closely you follow the subjects that you post on!

D L

 
At 12:54 PM, Blogger B O B said...

Thanks DL you are also, too kind.

 

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